The Meta-Mind Variation

In a scene from a TV show, about half a decade ago, a professor sits on a stool, maybe stands, I am uncertain, declares, quite pedantically, “Merlin is an archetype for war…”. The topic dances around the literary history of Arthurian literature but focuses on critical analysis. Clearly, the intention of the screenwriters is to be profound, challenge our thinking, as it were, maybe cause the audience to wander in the wonder, a bit. With me, I would say they were quite successful, in the sense that, the scene has stuck with me though the years, and very recently, I have come to a clearer understanding of its implications.

Merlin is an archetype for war, she says, but not just any war, she indicates that it is a metaphor for “the war between one’s conscious mind and its self-destructive subconscious desire”.

I am waking up, gradually gaining awareness of my surroundings, I am making out sounds, it’s muffled, not in its true form but in my experience of it, my other senses are kicking in, I can feel things with vague palpability. The transition from sleep to wakefulness is underway. Right there at the edge of being completely awake, I drift into what feels like a liminal experience dominated by my subconscious; latent desires leave the background for a more principal position. In this position, secret desires are no longer secret, they reveal their true nature. Most of the time, a struggle ensures. A struggle that manifests as our vanities and fantasies unsuppressed in our subconscious gets challenged by the discipline and moral values that occupy the crevices of our minds, diligently accumulated over time through religious study, cultural ethos, and other sources for the sole purpose of guarding our minds against such invasion. Who wins?

The legend ascribes Merlin’s duality to the impregnation of his pure virgin mother by a devil. A reason that quite oddly rings true for humans in a general sense. Not literally, that much is obvious but in a biblical sense, if you consider the impregnation of the pure state of Adam and Eve by the insidious idea of the apple. One could argue that like, Merlin, we are forever tainted by an infernal seed, planted so deep in our beings that its manifestations, as with Merlin in the post vulgate cycle, have consequences. So I guess, the question is not really about what side wins as I imagine that in most people, both sides will prevail at different times, but how we handle our fallen moments when less noble notions from our subconscious begin to generate ideas towards its realization.

I met Laura for the first time years ago when I was a college student. She and her husband had just moved to town and had been married 10 years at the time. She had a 6 year old boy whom she adored fiercely. She attended the computational forums regularly and was very strict in her appearance. She asked riveting questions and was known to very politely challenge flippant guest speakers from time to time. Quite naturally, a lot of the men were intrigued by her, but she was married and showed no impropriety of any kind, so we all put on our best manners. It was a Thursday evening, I think, maybe Tuesday, a few of the folks were going to the local canteen after the forum ended to celebrate the engagement of one of our members. I went with the group, as I had nothing planned that evening and to my surprise, there was Laura! What could she possibly be doing here? I had never seen her socialize after meetings, understandably so, she had a family to get back to. Apparently, she had become friends with the prospective bride and would be doing the henna tattoo for the bridesmaids at the wedding. This made no impression on me at the time.

I am awake but not in the strictest sense, I am lingering on the edge of wakefulness, my subconscious is very dominant, my mind is vulnerable — I am immersed in an alternate universe, one I had created in my mind, one in which different fantastical Laura scenarios had come alive and as with most fantasies, they were less than ideal. An idea is taking shape, quite vaguely at first, I recalled the conversation around henna and almost instinctively a plan to use henna as a pretext for a more personal relationship begins to form and I cannot defend against it. How so? I knew she was married, and I had morals, it makes no sense that I’d let my mind wander in this manner. I am now fully awake, I discard the idea, chide myself and moved on. I was shocked, the next time, I saw her, about a week later, when I involuntarily uttered the words

“You mentioned, last week that you are a henna artist, I have never had one, would you mind me as a client?”

“Not a problem”, she replied, making eye contact and I knew then, that I may be in trouble, but I quickly dismissed any notion of wrongdoing, I am just a client, I retort, silently, inwardly…

I rollup my sleeves, present my arm for the henna to be applied, Laura rolled them up a bit further, very professionally, as a Nurse would, in this part of the world, at least in those days.

“What type of design do you want?” she asked

“I am a novice” I replied, “I am sure, I’d like whatever you choose”

I was being coy; I was curious to discover her artistic expression on my body. What will she choose and what would it symbolize? She gripped my wrist with her slim, delicate fingers, methodically twisting and turning my arm to reveal more of the design, her gaze firmly fixed on her work. I started a mindless chatter about nothing, she would indulge me from time to time with a response, but she was largely reticent. Then I noticed her grip began to soften, her fingers lingered, and her pace slowed, she’s making frequent eye contact and just then, I recognized on her most stoic face — passion. I knew, there and then, I had been done in by my other side.

—

In loving memory of Seun Oyelami and Tai’ Adejuwon whose lights were extinguished too soon but continue to be my inspiration.